Escaping a Bad Roommate and Hoping for a Better One

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Dear Harlan: I recently escaped a really awful roommate experience. She and I were randomly assigned. At first it looked like we might get along. However, that idea was gone barely a month after we had been living together. She would refuse to lock the door and had several rules for me that she would not follow if it was inconvenient for her. She took up more than half of the dorm with her things and would not loft the bed so she could store things under it. I even walked in on her talking about me and telling stories to all of my hall mates about what a horrible roommate I was. I brought up these issues several times, but she refused to try to compromise, and I never felt comfortable in my room. I was so uncomfortable that I would shake with anxiety at even the thought of speaking to her and would, on occasion, cry at the thought of having to return to my room at night. I tried speaking with my RA, and she always took my roommate’s side. I understand that this sort of thing likely won’t occur again, but now that I am in a new situation, I want to make sure that something like that doesn’t happen with my new roommate. I don’t expect us to be BFFs or even friends, but I would appreciate any advice you could give me.

— Still Shaking

Dear Still Shaking:  Expect nothing. Plan for everything. Bad roommates happen. You are going to come across miserable people who don’t want to get along with you. It’s just hard when you have to share a room with one of these people. Start this new relationship with few expectations. Friendship isn’t required. You just have to want to get along and agree to share what makes either of you uncomfortable. Beyond that, make sure you have people in your corner who can support you. If for any reason something goes wrong, turn to these people. The list should include your residence life staff, a therapist in the counseling center, a teacher, a spiritual leader, friends outside of your room and anyone else who will be in your corner. Expect nothing. Plan for everything.

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An Unexpected Third Roommate

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Dear Harlan: My roommate is a disaster. She has basically moved her boyfriend into our place without asking me if it’s OK. He sleeps here, showers here, eats all his meals here. To me, that’s living here. However, she says he’s not actually living here, so he doesn’t have to share in the rent or utilities. Can you help me out? What is the definition of having someone living with you? Shouldn’t someone who basically lives with you be expected to help with the shared expenses? — Living with a Disaster

Dear Daughter:  Instead of calling it “living” with you, how about calling it “cohabitating”? This means that you can have your own definition of what “living” with you means and she can have her own definition. What’s clear is that having this boyfriend living with you -I mean, “cohabitating” with you – is not what you expected or signed up for. Clearly you’re irritated, and you have every right to feel that way. You would have chosen a three-bedroom apartment if you wanted an extra roommate. So, what’s your exit strategy? I have an idea: Let him sublet your place, and then you can move into his place. This way he will no longer have to pay to live at the place he’s not living at and you can spend your energy in other places. I’m jumping right to the exit strategy because it’s hard to be reasonable with unreasonable people. For some reason, admitting he “lives” there is too much for her to handle. If having him around bothers you this much, then find a different place to live. If you want money for rent and

utilities, then ask her to pay more of the shared expenses because of the time he’s spending at your place. If that doesn’t work, then make sure you have a plan to get out. I know it’s totally unfair that you have to be inconvenienced, but life is unpredictable. Fighting won’t get you anything but a home filled with frustration, aggravation and a cohabiting man.

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Not the Naked Roommate, but a Roommate’s Naked Boyfriend

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Dear Harlan: I walked in on my roommate with someone on two separate occasions. The first time, I asked her to let me know if he was in the room. The second time, I saw things that make my eyes burn. I’d have rather looked at the eclipse without glasses. How do you suggest I communicate this to get the results I desire?? — Eyewitness

Dear Eyewitness:  Your roommate doesn’t care or is too drunk to care. This means you are going to have to be prepared to live with someone who doesn’t care. Get used to a new normal. Next time you are alone with her (and sober), have an honest conversation. Tell her you know you can’t stop her, but wanted to figure out a way to not walk in on her. Come up with a few ideas. Ask her for suggestions. Maybe she can text you, post a note outside the room or hang a “do not disturb” sign. If she doesn’t want to help you or is too drunk to remember, here’s what to do the next time it happens: Walk in, do what you’ve got to do and go about your business. She won’t even realize you’re in the room. Do this until you can find a new room or new roommate.

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Takes Two To Make Good Roommates

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Dear Harlan: I’m having problems with my roommate. It started with him butting into my conversations. I’ve made a list of all the things that bother me about him:

(1) He has no common sense. (2) He doesn’t respect my personal space. (3) He forces his way into my business. (4) He goes through my stuff without getting permission. (5) He has parties in his room late at night. (6) He takes stuff that doesn’t belong to him. (7) He chews gum loudly. (8) He complains about my stuff. (9) He will not allow me to have an alarm clock. (10) He has no manners or respect for my boundaries. (11) He comes into my room and wakes me up. (12) He thinks he can tell me what I can do. How should I handle this? — Bad Roommate

Dear Bad Roommate:  Here’s my list for you: (1) Stop making lists about the things you hate. (2) Make a new list. (3) List 10 positive things about your roommate. (4) Throw away the hateful list. (5) Start over with your roommate. (6) Tell him you just want to get along with him. (7) Ask him if he wants to get along with you. (8) Figure out the bare minimum of what it will take to get along. (9) Stay out of the room as much as possible. (10) Make more friends outside your room. (11) Find a new roommate for next semester. (12) If this is too hard, involve your resident adviser to see how he or she can help you live in peace.

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Parents Don’t Want Student Living Co-Ed

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Dear Harlan: I’m going to college next year. I want to live on campus. My parents don’t want me to live on campus. The main reason is that the floors are all co-ed. They feel that it’s not safe or appropriate for me to share a floor with a bunch of men. I’ve explained that they do this for a reason. If this was unsafe, they wouldn’t continue to do this. They are being very protective. Their rules are non-negotiable. They keep telling me that I will one day understand and thank them, but I don’t see it. How do I deal with parents who think they know it all, but have no idea of the truth?— Stuck

Dear Stuck:  They are not going to listen. You’re their kid. And for some reason, listening to you is not what they do best. We all know that living on campus is important (this is why some schools require it), but your parents need to know this. Living on campus means less driving, more opportunities and it’s safer (no commute). Instead of trying to convince them of the truth, let other people do the work. Reach out to the director of residence life, resident assistants, the dean of students, campus police and students with similar backgrounds. Explain the situation and get the facts. Give your parents access to the people you contact. Tell them what you asked, and ask them to do the same. While you’re sharing what you’ve learned, thank them for encouraging you to find answers. And for what’s it’s worth – I’ve never heard of co-ed floors being unsafe. In fact, the men feel protective of the women who live on their floor.

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Roommate hasn’t moved in and already there’s a problem

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tech savvy asian teen girl using smart phone in bed roomDear Harlan, I’m four weeks away from my first day of my first year in college, and I’m going to be living in a college dorm. I just got my roommate assignment, and I need to get in contact with her. What do I write in that first email? – Can’t Write

Dear Can’t Write, Here’s my problem with your message: You’re already too afraid of making a mistake. This is not a make-or-break exchange. You send your roommate a note telling her that you’re looking forward to living together. Tell her you wanted to connect on the phone so you don’t bring the same things to the room. Then talk on the phone and have a conversation. But this probably will be extremely hard for you, too. There is a risk that you might not say the right things to her. Please stop worrying! The only expectation you should have for living with this person is to coexist. Friendship is a bonus. The moment you can shift your expectations from “friend” to “roommate” will be the moment you’ll stop being so afraid of offending her. If you’re already this worried about opening up, imagine how you’ll be when something substantial happens. Make sure you create a life outside of your room so there isn’t this pressure to always say the right thing and do the right thing. The best relationships are based on honesty, trust and mutual respect. Trust that she wants to get along, and respect her enough to have an honest conversation. Now, email or call her so you don’t bring the same stuff.

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Embarrassed roommate gets caught in her underwear

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embarassed-roommate-underwearDear Harlan: My roommate’s boyfriend saw me in my underwear. I didn’t realize he was in the room and I pretty much flashed him. How embarrassed should I be? I’m not sure how to explain this to my roommate. -Exposed

Dear Exposed: Embarrassed? I’d be pissed! You should be fuming! Your room should be a safe place to walk around in your underwear. You should feel totally violated. You need to know when a man is in your room. Not only do you have to worry about giving him a peep show, there’s safety concerns. Your roommate should never leave you alone in a room with a man. Don’t make it about her boyfriend seeing you in your underwear — make it about feeling totally violated and wanting to keep your room a safe place.

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Roommate’s nonstop sex with different men is cry for help

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Rear view of a couple having sex in bedDear Harlan: My roommate is having sex with a different guy every other night in our room. What can I do to make this stop?- Disgusted Roomie

Dear Disgusted: Being disgusted won’t stop the sex.  This is about craving attention and connection.  It happens. She thinks sex will give her an instant connection. She’s right — for a minute (or less, depending on the guy). But it won’t last as long as the reputation, regret, and possible itching and burning. Come at this from a place of compassion. She is desperately in need of a relationship that won’t end in judgment, guilt, and shame.  Find out what’s happening in her life.  Ask her how she’s feeling.  Attempt to be friendly. See if being kind will help her show you the side she doesn’t let anyone see.  And if having all these men in your room makes you uncomfortable, explain that being sexiled seven days a week is too much.  Ask her to move her sex outside your room (but hopefully, not right in front of the door).

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Cereal-eating bowl-clanging roommate needs to silence her spoon

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Corn Flaked Breakfast CerealDear Harlan: I just moved in with one of my good friends and things have been going well, but she wakes me up early every morning because of her loud cereal eating. She clanks the bowl against the table and shakes her Special K at an abnormal level of loudness. As she eats her bowl of breakfast, the spoon is like a giant hammer with each bite. She also slams all the cabinet doors. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I would think at least she would be mindful and courteous enough not to slam the cabinet doors. What should I do? – Sleepless in Cereal

Dear Sleepless: Did you know Kellogg’s Corn Flakes were originally invented as a way to prevent young people from masturbating? There’s no mention of Special K curbing self-stimulation, but eliminating cereal from your roommate’s diet might create an even louder problem (and there’s no evidence corn flakes reduces masturbating). Your roommate’s love of Special K and her big noisy spoon are part of her. This is her routine. To deprive her of this simple pleasure in life would be… selfish.  DO NOT expect her to stop eating Special K with a big spoon. But the solution is simple. Work with her love of cereal. Give her a big spoon and a plastic bowl as a surprise (the holidays are coming). Tell her that you respect her passion for cereal, but you love sleep as much as she loves cereal. Explain how the new bowl and spoon will work.  This way, she will clang less and you can sleep more. Open and honest communication is the best gift. The big spoon is a bonus.

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