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H.S. Grad Reflects on the Impact School Choice Can Have on Family

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Dear Harlan: I’m facing a tough choice. Like all high-school students, I need to decide on a university to spend the next four to five years (assuming I don’t transfer). I’m down to two choices: One is in my hometown and would require me to stay home while I’m there (I would rather not), but the tuition is free. At the other school, I would have to pay for tuition (minus housing). The second school is my dream school. I love my family, but I want to branch out and do things on my own. However, my parents would be the ones paying for my schooling, and it seems unfair to make them pay for it. If money were no object, of course I would go to my dream school – but free tuition cannot be ignored. Any advice on how to make the decision? — Torn

Dear Stuck:  I appreciate how much you love your parents and family. You’re incredibly generous. It’s not the norm for an 18-year-old to be this self-aware. Just don’t let this distract you from following your dreams. It’s what your parents want. They can decide whether they’ll help you pay for college. It’s their choice. Instead of feeling guilty, you could just as easily look at your family’s investment and sacrifice as a source of inspiration. You could allow them to pay the first year of college and then plan to pay for the rest. You could go to your dream school and spend your time looking for other students who have figured out how to pay for college without accumulating debt. You could look for scholarships, part-time jobs that pay and leadership positions or jobs that pay. You could take classes over the summer and work to graduate early. You can forge a path that will show family members and high-school grads how to live their dreams and not go broke. You can make this work, but there’s more to this answer: I’m guessing you’re scared about what’s next. See, if your parents invest in you, and the family feels the strain of your education, you will need to be successful. And that’s scary for anyone. Here’s my advice: Stop thinking about this in terms of four years. Think about this as a one-year challenge. Go to your dream school for one year. Make part of living your dream figuring out how to pay for college so your parents don’t feel the strain. Dedicate your year to finding resources. Make this an obsession. Start finding people like you who paid for college. Talk to seniors who are going to graduate and ask them about their financial story. Talk to the financial aid department about how students pay for college. Talk to the dean of your major and ask the same questions. There could be department scholarships or new opportunities. You might discover your college has a program that can help you graduate in three years. I know Purdue University launched a three-year liberal arts degree program. Spend the next year investing in yourself and meeting people who can help. Regardless of how much money you find, you’ll meet amazing people and build new relationships. People will see you as someone who is focused, motivated and passionate. You will be successful no matter what. Your parents believe in you. You just need to continue believing in yourself. You can live your dream and pay for it, too.

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Parent Doesn’t Want Child’s Grades Tied to Self-worth

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Dear Harlan: How can you help students realize that their success isn’t completely wrapped up in their GPA? College counselors say that high-school students can’t get into a top state school without a 4.3 GPA? There is so much pressure to be accepted that students are having emotional breakdowns. There is widespread peer pressure. I try to avoid letting it affect my parenting, but it’s hard to avoid when it’s woven into the culture. What can we do to change this?

— Parent of a Senior

Dear Parent:  It starts with you – the parent. Make it about your kid, not about the college. I was a 3.0 student in high school (barely), struggled on my SATs, went to a state college and didn’t choose a major until my junior year. I figured it out. My parents didn’t care about the college. They didn’t tell me what I should want. They didn’t let other people dictate what I should want. They let me choose what I wanted. “What do YOU want?” is the only question they asked. They trusted that I would be successful. There’s an epidemic of students who don’t know the answer. It’s easier, safer and more comfortable for students and parents to focus on being wanted. They take classes to be wanted. They choose clubs and organizations to feel wanted. As a result, more college students than ever are feeling overwhelmed, stressed and depressed. Make college less about a school and more about your child. Make it a mantra. The best school is NOT always the best place for your child. Check out Frank Bruni’s book “Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be.” The book shares data and anecdotes from students who have gone to a wide range of schools and won big. Getting accepted to a top-tier school doesn’t guarantee happiness, fulfillment or a top-tier life.

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Student hates professor and hearing the truth

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angry teacher with blackboard on the backgroundHi Harlan: My friend currently is doing a course online, and she was upset that the teacher is saying that her work is imperfect. Furthermore, some of the comments that her instructor posts are a bit unprofessional. My friend and another friend of hers say that she should do something about it. I don’t want to see our friend burn bridges with the instructor. Is there a way to remedy this? Suggestions? – Online Student

Dear Online Student:  I wouldn’t tell your friend anything.  She doesn’t respond well to the truth.  Instead of complaining about her teacher, she should focus on fixing her imperfect work.  That’s it. Yes, her teacher might suck and be an awful communicator, but hating her will not improve her grade. Unless these comments are hateful, sexist, or unquestionably wrong, there’s nothing to do.  Call it a life lesson about dealing with horrible people — but I wouldn’t tell her this — she doesn’t want to hear the truth.

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