Dear Harlan: I am an 18-year-old guy who has never gone on a date, held hands, been kissed or had sex. And I masturbate daily, sometimes even four times a day. I have terrible social skills, and a so-so, “meh” appearance. The loneliness and “late bloomer” stigma are causing me a lot of frustration and angst. I know you said being a virgin is a choice, but I’m not a virgin because I choose to say “no” — it’s because no one ever talks to me. Sometimes I feel like hooking up with someone just so I don’t have to feel lonely, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea. And just in case you need to know: My sexual orientation is all over the place. I just want to not be lonely anymore and feel some kind of sexual stimulation from another human being. I’m a straightforward and “real” kind of guy, so I appreciate advice and honesty. Thanks for taking the time to read this. – Straightforward
Dear Straightforward: I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. But can we be real? No one owes you a relationship. You need to work to create one. Hiding your feelings by blaming, hating and masturbating isn’t going to get you a relationship. It just puts up more walls. The truth? You’re too afraid to have a relationship. And I get it. I’ve been scared, hurt, and lonely too. People have hurt you most of your life. It’s easier to avoid and blame. Want to change? Pick one thing you don’t love about yourself. Make a commitment to change it or learn to tolerate it. Find five people in your corner who can help you make these changes (therapist, medical professionals, leaders, adults, former men who have been there, etc.). Put yourself in places where you can get the help you need. Then give it time. You will not be alone for long. Once you start loving yourself, the “meh” will turn to “yeah,” and good things will happen.
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