Dear Harlan: I’m a 34-year-old gay man, partnered to a wonderful man for about five years now. We have a great life, a solid relationship and an excellent sex life. For about a year now, we’ve experimented with an open sexual relationship. While my partner is in New York for the next week, I decided to catch up with some friends. Last night I went out with a few people, and we ended the night at my place. Because they couldn’t drive, two people had to crash. One I’ve known for years; he’s a straight guy, really cool. The other person crashing is this girl he’s sort of into. By “sort of into,” I mean he just wants to get into her pants. He eventually crashed in the guest bedroom and she crashed on the couch. At some point in the night – I’m seriously the world’s heaviest sleeper – she decided to crawl into bed with me. I don’t recall what time, but the first thing I remember is waking up to some serious “activity.” I was asleep. I also realize that my physical reaction to her was simply the reaction to the activity, not the individual. However, at the time, my reaction was split between sheer panic of having a naked woman in my bed and all over me, and “should I just go with it?” I eventually stopped her, but now I feel creepy for several reasons. First, I did kind of enjoy it, and that’s freaking me out. Second, if the straight guy sleeping in the guest room came on to her the way she came on to me, he’d likely be a registered sex offender by now. Third, my partner and I are “open,” and we do have a don’t-ask, don’t-tell rule, but I feel like messing around with a gal kind of goes outside those boundaries. Finally, how do I make this not awkward? – Awkward
Dear Awkward: Your penis might have consented, but your penis doesn’t know the difference between a man or a woman. Waking up in this situation is totally confusing. Processing it is even more confusing. Let’s call it what it is: sexual assault. You didn’t consent; you were sleeping. Now, you need people in your corner. You did nothing wrong. Talk to your partner, contact a professional and talk to law enforcement. Oh, and countless gay men have slept with women throughout history (while awake). Many even fathered children. Yep, still gay. Don’t let this one drunken sexual assault confuse you.