Dear Harlan: My boyfriend and I are going through a difficult time. He had a tough childhood, and he’s suppressed so many issues for so long that it’s caused him to build a wall. He would be just fine living life as he has for the past 10 years, but I have pushed him during the past two years to make changes toward healing (going to church, seeing a counselor, cleaning his house) in order for us to build a healthy life together. He has made great progress. However, he still is pretty resistant and is resentful that I am asking for so much that he doesn’t know if he can give me (a simple wedding to celebrate with family, and to put a woman’s touch on his bachelor pad to make it into a home where we can grow a family). We very much want children. He’s 35 and I’m 28. I’ve been ready to marry him for over a year, and he’s been saying that he will propose soon. He wants to work through his issues before we get engaged, but he keeps making excuses and putting it off. I’m afraid he will put it off forever and I will waste years of my life waiting for him to be ready. Am I being selfish for wanting to push him because I’m ready to start our life together? Should I back off, break up, or stick by and give him more time? – Getting Impatient
Dear Impatient: How long do you want to stay married? A month? A year? The rest of your life? You love a guy who can’t give you what you want. He refuses to deal with big life issues and resents you for helping. And you’re asking me if you should marry him, have kids and spend the rest of your life together. Think he has walls now? Just you wait until you get married and have a family. Figure out what you want. If he can’t give it to you after 10 years of dating, don’t expect to magically get it once you’re married.
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